* Fart in the bus

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... You need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you realize, YOU HAVE BEEN LISTENING TO YOUR IPOD!!!!

* Ducks in heaven!!!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day,
the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but .....
one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

* Why I Fired My Secretary ...

Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday Love" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning" let alone any "Happy Birthday."

I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember."
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two
martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go upstairs and change." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing
“Happy Birthday To You”.

And there I sat... on the couch... naked. !!

Sent in by MOLOA BRIDGET, NIGERIA

* The Speaker and the Holy Wedlock

"If there is anybody here that does not want this couple to be joined together in holy matrimony, he or she should speak out now."
A man from the extreme of the church stood up and walked towards the altar. As the bride saw the man coming closer, she fainted. The bridegroom and the whole congregation were in confusion.
When the man got to the front, the pastor asked, "Why don't you want these people to be joined together?"
Man: "I could not hear your voice clearly from the back sir, so I decided to come and tell you that the speaker is faulty!!!!

* Men NEVER listen!!!!!

A man and his wife received a letter from their daughter who went to study overseas:

"My beloved Parents, I miss you so much. I don't know when I'm coming home, but it seems not anytime soon. It breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you'll be too old. So enclosed you will find a bottle of a portion I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you'll be the same age as I left you. NOTE: " Please take only one drop."

NOTE: "Please take only one drop"

So they opened the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a red portion. The husband looks at the wife and says: "You go first."

So the wife opens the bottle and takes a drop, there after the husband follows. Indeed they do turn 5 years younger.

A year passes and the daughter returns home to find her mother young and beautiful, carrying a baby on her back.
The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the portion worked and made her look young.

The daughter is delighted and asks about her father.
"Your father, my child, got so jealous that I was young and beautiful so he drank the whole bottle."
"So where is he?"
MOLOA BRIDGET

* Cunny man die, cunny man burry am.

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years, the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.'You impotent pig ,'
She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:'I'll explain the toy, you xplain d kids???

* Please, take it easy! Learn to manage stress

One day a man was sitting in his office on the 19th floor of a building. A man came running into his office and shouted, "John, your daughter, Anna just died in an accident right opposite this building" The gentleman was in panic. Not knowing what to do, he jumped out through his office window. While coming down, when he was near the 14th floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named Anna. When he was near the 7th floor, he remembered he was not married yet. When he was about to hit the ground he remembered that his name was not even John .. PLS, TAKE IT EASY! LEARN TO MANAGE STRESS.....IT KILLS FASTER THAN POISON.

* A machine that can catch thieves

A machine that can catch thieves was invented, and was to be tested. The first place of testing was in USA and within 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves. It was taken to Ghana and within 20 minutes, it caught 100 thieves.
Next, it was then taken to Nigeria and within 5 minutes it was stolen!

* Like father, like son
A father, worried about his son's performances in school, one day called him and tried to pep him up.
Father: "Son, do you see the president, when his was your age, he was very bright and good in school."
the little boy thought for a moment and replied:
Son: "yes, daddy, and when he was your age he became the president!

Mbam, South Africa

* Hostages

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?
The man responded "Militants have kidnapped, OBJ, IBB, Atiku, Buhari, Tony Anenih, Ahmadu Ali, Dariye, Nnamani, Odili, Ibrahim Mantu, Tinubu, Kalu, Ibori and Igbinedion. They're asking for a $500 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. So, we're going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone contributing, on the average?"
The man responded "About a litre of petrol and a stick of matches."

* Wives

(1)       Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for?
          Husband : Nothing.
          Wife : Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour??
          Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

                                                **********
  2)      Q - What is the Difference between Mother & Wife?
          A - One Woman Brings you into this world crying... and the other   ensures you continue to do so.
                                                **********

3)       Wife : Do you want dinner?
          Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
          Wife : Yes and no.

                                                  **********
4)       Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
          Husband : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
          Wife : You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
          Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

                                                          **********
5)       Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
          Boy : It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
          Girl : Well that's because we aren't married yet.

                                                    **********
6)       Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
          Mom : Well, you have done the right thing.
          Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

                                                    **********
7)       A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
          "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU the FORTUNE"

                                                          **********
8)       Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
          Son : "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

                                                          **********

9)       Interviewer to Millionaire : To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire? "
          Millionaire : "I owe everything to my wife."
          Interviewer : "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
          Millionaire : "Billionaire"

                                                  **********
  10)     Girl to her boyfriend : One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
          The guy replies : Thanks for the warning. hahahahaha

                                                    **********

11)     A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"
          He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor
Deborah